How to Have That Tough Sex Talk with Your Teen

Having a talk with your pre-teen or teenage son about sex is probably not at the top of your priority list, right? Well, let me pose a few questions to you, as a parent; How would you feel about your child becoming a parent at the age of 15? Are you ready to be a grandparent and help pay child support? Likewise, how do you think it would affect your life if your child contracted HIV or some other venereal disease? Need I go on? I didn’t think so. Keep reading.

When I was 13, my dad had “the sex talk” with me. It worked; in fact it worked very well, a little too well. I held on tightly to my virginity through high school, which says a lot considering that many of my friends were partaking in that fun thing called sex. This involved a few angles and techniques which I have now put to use with my own children, also adding a few of my own ideas. Here is my advice, take it or leave it, on how to have that ultra-important talk with your male offspring.

“The talk” should be done, initially between mom and son no later than the age of 12, the sooner the discussion starts, the better. I like to have my deep discussions in the car, when it’s just one of my children and me. I refer to this as a 'captive audience', because they cannot escape from you. Anyways, I feel like hearing the thoughts from a female perspective is the most helpful for a boy. Ideally, your son has his father, step-dad, grandfather, uncle, etc., who will also have a different version of the talk with them, as a follow up. Anyways, as a mother, I take my son’s sex life very seriously. I cannot imagine him getting a young girl pregnant, and then having to deal with this young female and her family for the rest of his and my life. I explained to my son that when you help conceive a child with a female, that you really don’t have many rights to that child, the mother will likely get custody, you may get weekend visits. At this age, your child is not ready for a committed relationship, explain this to him. Explain that sticking a teenage girl with an infant could be devastating to her life, as well. When it comes to teen pregnancy, there will be arguing, probably many court appearances, there will be a child support payment which you and/or your son will need to cough up on a monthly basis, there could be unpleasantness for a very, very long time. Sure, babies are a blessing, they’re adorable, but teenage years are not the time to be rearing a child, relay this to your son.

I like to point out examples of “crazy exes” to my son, telling him that he could get saddled with a “baby-mama” who will, quite literally, steal the joy from his life for much of his existence. I am not trying to sound harsh, but I know from personal experience, that some women are crazy, and many of them hide their crazy really, REALLY well. Teenagers are simply not equipped to choose a mate. Period. Having a child at this age would be life-changing for your son and this partner. It is simply not the path that your child wants to be on.

After you’ve explained the idea of “crazy females”, then it’s time to go into sexually transmitted diseases. You will need some photographic references for this, lots of them. Prepare a slide show, or just sit side by side with your son on your laptop and type in terms on google or yahoo search, including, but not limited to: Gonorrhea, HIV, Herpes, Syphilis, etc. Find the goriest pictures available online. I realize that this isn’t in any way enjoyable for either of you, but that’s the whole point. Make him uncomfortable with the pictures and facts surrounding STDs; it’s certainly better than being uncomfortable at the doctor’s office with an STD later down the road.

This discussion should lead into the talk about the act of sex, itself. My theory is abstinence is best! I told my son, outright, that he could touch himself all he wanted. Yea, I know, it sounds gross, but let’s be practical; sex is a part of life. You don’t have to use terms like “masturbation”, you simply need to get across to your son that the only safe sex is with himself, and I have said this to my son no less than once every 2-3 months. The male variety of our species tends to be a bit hornier than the females. On average, teenage boy will think about sex no less than once every minute, often more. Surprised? It’s important that you respect your son’s privacy, do NOT go barging into his room, unless you want to be scarred for life. It’s also very important that you do not tease him about being as horny as a jack-rabbit in the spring time, or the whole idea of him masturbating. Be the adult! My dad’s theory that changed my life forever, was, “If you have sex, you will either get pregnant, OR get a sexually transmitted disease, OR both.” There was no room for safe sex with another human being, in my mind, there were only those three options. It is very important that your child understands that pregnancy and STDs can happen, even with the use of birth control. No sex is with another human is truly safe sex.

The fallback, you must assume that your child will have sex earlier than you’d like. This means that you’ll need to accept that your child is imperfect and will not always heed your advice, which is difficult for some of us. Regardless, you must discuss the use of condoms; this is the only path for protection from both STDs and pregnancy. While it is the safest form of birth control, it is not 100% risk free. Explain that there have been many children born from parents who thought a condom would protect them from pregnancy. The birth control patch, pill, etc. do not protect you from STDs. Your son, as a teen, cannot make the call as to whether his girlfriend or prospective sex partner is clean, trust me on this. I grew up in a town with a population of less than 500, and I attended school with a girl who was HIV positive, no one knew about her STD until after high school. I also had two friends who had gotten pregnant before the age of 15. Share your own life experiences with friends and STDs and pregnancy, or even make something up. Even if you don’t think you knew someone with herpes, you probably DID know someone with it, and just didn’t realize it.

Don’t stop talking about sex with your kids. Find ways to integrate it into your life with your teen. I even talked to my son’s girlfriend, briefly, about sex. If you don’t keep that conversation open, and keep that little bit of fear alive in them, then you are doing a disservice to your son and any prospective partner. Good luck!