Ten signs that you may not be over your ex

I have been doing a case study, observing obsessive exes for the past 8 years, and it has come to my attention that some women are flat crazy, like, certifiable, undiagnosed, belong-in-an asylum, crazy. Do you have an obsession with an ex? Here are some sure signs that you need to move on and get over him;

1.       You use any excuse known to man to text your ex. Whether it’s a quick note to tell him that your mutual child has a runny nose, or to update your ex on local weather/traffic conditions. Let me just speak for your ex when I say, “no thank you”. Unless your mutual child has some life threatening condition, has an important event that your ex may want to attend, or is going to meet the President of the United States? Do not text your him. Seriously, text him regarding events, major illnesses or pickup/drop off info, period!  Your texts outside of those specs are not welcomed or appropriate, especially if your ex has a girlfriend/spouse. It is NEVER okay to send texts that come across as flirtatious or excessive, because then you’ll be angering not one, but likely, two people, and you will likely see some sort of retribution, including anti-harassment orders. Don’t start a cycle of angry texts, act like a mature adult instead of a jealous 15 year old girl, just keep it to necessary texts and everyone will be happy.

2.       You get jealous when your ex does something fun or buys something new. I can speak for myself and many exes who HAVE moved on; Jealousy is not an issue when you are happy and have moved on with your own life. I am typically elated at my ex-husband’s new purchases, celebrations and travels. Got a new car? Awesome! Went to Vegas? I bet it was fun, good for you! If the guy pays his child support on time and is good to your mutual children, then anything beyond that which makes him happy should, in turn, make you happy for him! Your time should be spent enjoying your own life, purchases and personal triumphs. If not, then you need to refocus your life.

3.       You hate your ex’s new girlfriend or spouse. Okay, I get it; some “replacement” girlfriends/spouses are royal witches. But, honestly, most “replacements” simply want to love their new man and their step-children and enjoy their life. They did not specifically seek out your ex as a way to make you miserable. I have found that if you are polite and respectful to your ex and his girlfriend/spouse, then you will get treated politely and respectfully in return.  It’s simple math, people, you get what you give. I chuckle at a popular term that gets thrown around, “home wrecker”. Just for clarification purposes? A “home wrecker” typically is nothing more than the first woman your ex happened to go after when he left you. If this “home wrecker” and your ex are in a long term relationship, for at least 5-6 years or more, maybe they’re married, have a few children, then she cannot be classified as a "home wrecker", as she is clearly not actively wrecking homes/marriages. The proper term for her would be, “my ex-husband’s new girlfriend/spouse”. It’s a little less catchy, but at least you’re being honest with yourself and those around you.

If you, however, are still obsessing over and stalking your ex, then that makes YOU a prospective "home wrecker". Yep, you heard me. Just DON'T go that route, trust me, it will only serve to cause you more problems and make you look like a lunatic to everyone around you. Accepting that your ex left you because he no longer loves you is difficult, but it’s an important step towards happiness. Even if your ex’s new spouse is built like a supermodel, has the smile of an orthodontist’s daughter and serves homeless people at the local soup kitchen during her spare time, you should be happy that he has found happiness, you should care less about what she looks like or what her attributes are, and worry more about yourself and your own attributes.

4.       You study your ex’s girlfriend/spouse and try to be, look, talk and/or act like them. Umm….let me just say again on behalf of your ex, “no thank you.” There is a good reason you two are not together any longer, and rest assured, it is not because you didn’t have super cute glasses, or wear a certain style of clothes, or look a certain way. Your ex and you didn’t work out, and that’s the only thing you need to understand.  You can lose weight, bleach/dye and perm your hair, adopt a new vernacular, but your ex could care less. In fact, changing yourself up for attention makes you look EXTREMELY pathetic. Do NOT study your ex’s new significant other, her uniqueness and qualities (which are more than likely the opposite of your qualities) are probably what drew your ex to her and that is not something you can mimic. Do NOT dress yourself up to the nines for pick ups and drop offs as your looks and clothing choices likely had nothing to do with his choice to divorce you...9 times out of 10 a guy leaves his wife because of her personality, or her nagging which is something that will never change, in his mind. Again, if he finds happiness in someone else, then you should be happy for him and strive to find that same happiness for yourself with a new man.

5.       You seek out a new boyfriend who looks, acts or is in the same line of work as your ex. This one is just creepy. No guy want to come face to face with his mirror image when it comes to his ex’s dating tastes. Seriously, you should not be actively looking for someone who is like your ex, remember, that your relationship didn’t work out for a reason, dating a new guy simply because he resembles your ex, in one way or another, probably won’t work out for you.  Look for a guy who is good to you, who has a decent job and similar interests as you do. You should be attempting to build a relationship with a new person for their unique qualities, not because they are a cheap facsimile of your ex.

6.       You stalk your ex and his new girlfriend/spouse on social media networks. First off, most exes cannot handle being on each other’s social media sites; seeing anything that might make them jealous or hopeful that their ex's current relationship isn’t working out, just isn’t healthy. I am an exeception to that rule, and there are more out there like me. What’s even less healthy is regularly stalking your ex and his new woman online seeking that  glimmer of hope that he may leave her and come back to you. It is not a healthy hobby for you, just knock it off. If you cried when you found out that he became engaged or remarried, you are still obsessed with your ex. The chances of him leaving his new wife for you are 1 in 1,999,999,999. So what if they got married, took a trip, bought a new home or celebrated an anniversary, it’s no longer any of your business what your ex does with his time. Stalking only leads to more jealousy and obsessiveness; it will keep you from moving on to find happiness with YOUR new life and/or new man. Just don’t do online stalking, have some self-respect, take up a healthy hobby.

7.       You still haven’t moved on to a new long term relationship. If you have been separated from your ex for more than two years, it is time for you to find someone new to share your life with. If you find fault in every guy you date, whether it’s the fact that he likes to have a few beers with friends after work a few times a week, or he doesn’t buy you the gifts you think you deserve and send you flowers at work every day, you not moving on is the surest sign that you are still in love with your ex. A happy divorcee will find someone new, they will develop a long lasting relationship and happiness will ensue…unless you are THAT obsessive, pitiful ex who believes that your ex and you still have a chance. No, No, and NO. Move on, seriously, stop living in a dream world.

8.       You take your ex to court and/or involve law enforcement anytime an opportunity arises. Ladies, this will NOT make your ex want to come back to you, not in any case, but it will make him hate your very existence for all of eternity.  If you spend years in and out of court with your ex for everything from him being 20 minutes late for a drop off, to you finding out that he received a $1.00/hour raise and you want more child support, then you are screaming, “I am still in love with my ex and if I can't have him, then I want him to be as miserable as I am!!” My attorney said something that stuck with me, “Hate is the poison pill you take, hoping someone else dies.” Going to court is miserable and expensive; the only ones who win are the attorneys. I have seen court drama consume the entire existence of some women who “swallowed that poison pill”. In the end, the ex continues on with his happy life and new spouse and you are still just as unhappy as you were in the first place, except now you’ve wasted some of the very best years of your life in court instead of finding your own happiness. This is a no-brainer; do NOT swallow the poison pill.

9.       You reach out and attempt to befriend and/or turn you ex’s family and friends against him. Again, this is an extremely pitiful move on your behalf. Blood is thicker than water, and the only thing you’ll accomplish from trying to befriend and/or turn people against your ex is that everyone will see exactly why he left you in the first place. People aren’t stupid; most of society can objectively look at another person’s marriage and see why they divorced. Often times, it is the parents/family/friends of your ex that initially noticed that your and his marriage was not going to work out. His family and friends will stick by him, no matter how he “wronged”  you, so do yourself a favor, save your breath, you won’t be converting anyone to your side anytime soon.

10.   You spend your time and energy attempting to make your mutual children dislike your ex and/or his new girlfriend/spouse. I cannot say this clearly or plainly enough; it is absolutely NOT okay to involve your children with your obsession with your ex. He did not “divorce or abandon his children”, he divorced YOU. You need to understand that your mutual children are half of  you and half of him, so when you bash him or his choice in a new girlfriend/spouse, you are BASHING HALF OF YOUR CHILD. Bad mouthing your ex and his new girlfriend/spouse is the worst thing you can do to a child’s self-esteem. They, naturally, only want to love and be loved. It is not their fault, in any way, that the two of you divorced. Their desire to be loved by both parents, all parents including step-parents, is something that should be greatly encouraged for their well-being. You simply must love your children enough to swallow some humble pie and speak only kind words to them about their father and step-mother, otherwise, you will pass on your anger to them, then they will grow up with that awful seed of hatred in them. You must love your child more than you hate your ex. My children were lucky enough have me as a parent through my divorce, I never badmouthed their dad. I have made a point to stay simpatico with their father, and because of that, I have two healthy, happy, well-balanced children who will grow up knowing that I loved them enough to give them the encouragement  to love their father, his new spouse, his family and their entire blended family, equally. Hate begets hate. Love begets love. You are the decider of your child's happiness, please choose wisely.

Well, that’s it! I hope that this has given you or someone you know (please share!) the slap in the face with a 2x4 that you needed to be able to wake up out of your dazed obsession  and move on with your life. Who knows, maybe your prince charming is just around the corner.  And, just remember, every minute you spend being angry or spiteful is 60 seconds that you could’ve spent being happy and a full minute of your life that you will never get back! This is not, I repeat, NOT a dress rehearsal!